Say What You Want

We all use language in some form or another to communicate,
not only with others but also to ourselves. Used well, the language that you use can help yourself and others in many different ways.

Sadly, not everyone knows this yet as was evident when I recently read an article in the health section of a newspaper. Even though the article was all about relaxation, the author continually wrote the word ‘stress’ with the title being “How Stressed Are You?”

On reading the question ‘how stressed are you?’ notice that it presupposes a couple of things,

(a) That you exist and
(b) That you are stressed.

You may or may not be experiencing feelings of stress just before you read the words or ask the question, however to understand the question, you have to go within your own mind and process what ‘stressed’ means to you. As you do this, you experience stress!

As you continue to experience this stress, you re-experience past stresses and evaluate what that was like compared to how stressed you feel now. All the time this is happening (and it is automatic) you are engaged in accessing negative emotions and feelings of stress. This process even has a name, Transderivational Search.

Do you want more stress in your life? If you do just keep looking for it and focusing on it and it will never be too far away from you.

Sorry about that…

Maybe this is a perfect time to focus on the really good, comfortable feelings you have. Take a few deep breaths and read on…

OK. So if you want to help someone feel relaxed, calm and well, (including yourself) my advice is to try something else, changing your language is a good place to start.

In short, think of the response you want for yourself and the other person and ask your question with this in mind. For example, you may want to access more relaxation.  You could ask, “How relaxed are you?” Or “How could you be more relaxed right now?”

Some time ago, I worked with an actress to boost her confidence just before a big performance. On the opening night, her friend came by to wish her well, handed her a big bunch of flowers, gave her a hug and asked, “Are you feeling nervous?”

I have to admit that I suddenly became aware of my nerves after hearing what her friend said. Had the techniques I used helped the actress? Well I am pleased to say they did. My client was feeling so confident after our work together that the poor question had little effect.

What better questions will you use in similar situations?

“How confident are you feeling?”

A phrase that is repeatedly used in the human potential movement is, “You get more of what you focus on.”

So what are you focusing on? What do you want?

An idea to play with

To answer any question or understand anybody’s words you have to go within and experience what they mean to you. If you want to help yourself and those around you, you may want to start exploring the use of more productive language patterns.

Maybe instead of greeting people with a simple hello you could say:

“Morning, how well are you today?”

Notice I added ‘well’ to lead the question in a positive direction.
Maybe an alternative to asking, “How was work / school today?” could be:

“How good was your day?” or

“How much fun did you have today?”

However people respond to you they have to process what you have asked in order to give any reply. Even if they choose not to reply to you, they still have to process the words that you speak and therefore experience better emotions and feelings.

I don’t know how well this will work for you and your loved ones. It’s an idea to play with if you want to. Give it a go and find out! You can always contact me and let me know of your experiences.